Sometimes I wish I could be a total fuck up. Drugs, Sex and Rock and Roll. I know its not right to say but don't you see people on TV high, drunk, fucking, stumbling, wearing the best clothes and being oh so herion chic. I don't do drugs (hard) but I've read lots of books trying to feel the feeling. Of complete freedom. When your totally off your face, and your memory is blurred, when even your present day is blurred you have no responsibility. No one expects much from you. It may not be in a good way but you are free of pressure to behave. I'd like to have smudged make-up, tits popping out, ciggy in hand, drink spilt on my lap. I would speak in a soft voice, a sweet smelling red voice, I would move my lips slowly and pout as I talked. I would smoke, a lot. I'd leave butts behind with a ring of lip stick. I'd flick them, or stomp them with my shoe. I would smoke lady cigarettes and have a classy lighter. My handbag would have sequins and hold my life. People would dance with me, laugh with me and kiss with me. I would have a Darling, and a Sweetness, some Babies, I would always say them with my wine laced voiced that was just a bit too slow. My voice would deepen overnight. By the morning I would be a creature. Strewn across couches, drinking hard liquor in the morning. Maybe a coffee but the afternoon. But thats just to wash down the dust. I would snot the dust, the powder, I'd even have a pill or two. If you offer it I'll take it. This version would have straight hair, exstentions, wear lacey panties all the time, I'd either grow or buy some bosoms. If I had the money for the drugs I'd have the money for me. I'd be a high maintenance gal. Long nails and expensive perfume. My phone would go all the time, I'd curse like a Bitch. Your man is/was my man.

But I'd die lonely, young and with some horrible STD's.